Is There Such a Thing Called Soulmate?
Overview
The word “soulmate” has created enormous confusion and suffering for humanity.
People, more so in the Western world, are always looking for someone who can be their soulmate so that they can abandon their painful and never-ending search and live happily ever after with that special person who was created for them. After so many years of their marriage, this longing stays deep inside.
The word “soulmate” has created enormous confusion and suffering for humanity. People, more so in the Western world, are always looking for someone who can be their soulmate so that they can abandon their painful and never-ending search and live happily ever after with that special person who was created for them. After so many years of their marriage, this longing stays deep inside.
It is important to understand our loving or other relationships in terms of the following three levels:
Body-mate – sharing physical pleasures.
Mind-mate – sharing the mental space.
Definition of a soulmate
Soulmate – the person connects to our own soul or the universal soul which is common to all humanity. In the soul space, there is no give and take, either you are connected with or disconnected from it, and it is not difficult to find out if at this moment you are connected or disconnected from it.
When you marry, your partner is expected to be all three of these for you and vice versa. That would be ideal, but in less-than-ideal circumstances, one ends up being only one of the three, i.e., a body-mate, a mind-mate, a soulmate; or a mixture of any two of these three components.
If one is only a body-mate they would enjoy only the physical relationship but there would be no feelings of togetherness, sharing of passions, intellectual stimulation, friendship, and selfless love. We see this happening in very brief casual relationships.
Another scenario would be – one is not a body-mate or soul mate but only a mind-mate. This is seen in friendships between the same gender or opposite ones. An example would be people belonging to the same group, ideology, school of thought, etc. The relationship between Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir can also fall into this category, the physical relations ended but they continued to share intellectual insights and were friends to each other until the end.
A third example would be an only soul mate, no body-mate or mind-mate – the example would be the relationship between Raman Maharshi and his mother, or Adi Shankaracharya and his mother.
Ramana Maharishi left his house when aged 16 in search of spiritual goals and never returned, when his mother found out where he was after several years and went to take him home, he refused to come, but eventually, they both lived together in his ashram for several years before she died. She was his soulmate late in life.
Shankaracharya also wanted to leave home against his mother’s wishes, but he promised that he will come back whenever she remembered him and at the time of her death, which he did.
Ramanuja was a great Indian mathematician who went to Cambridge but didn’t take his wife along (a film made on his life called – “The man who knew Infinity” which won an academy award – with actors Jeremy Irons and Dev Patel). There was no sharing of his intellectual insights into mathematics with his wife, but perhaps there was a very deep connection between the two.
Now let us look at having two of the three ingredients. The mind-mate and a soulmate.
There is no physical relationship, but every other ingredient is present. We find that in many marriages, perhaps late in life, sexual activities can come to an end (in lesbian relationships it’s called bed death) but they continue to share intellectual space and experience selfless love. Many couples describe themselves as living like siblings and having no physical relationship but would describe their marriage as exceptionally good. It is not limited only to heterosexual relationships. This could be true for a brother-sister relationship, mother and daughter, or a relationship between two friends.
An example of this would be the relationship between Sigmund Freud and his daughter Anna Freud. Anna never married and her father was the main figure in her life. They both were intellectuals and shared the mind space and perhaps the soul space as well.
It is also seen in the relationship between leaders and followers, between spiritual leaders. Having the soulmate ingredient brings in the element of selflessness in the relationship.
Being body-mate and mind-mate:
People have great physical and mental intimacy, but it’s all based on selfishness and the relationship keeps going because the give-get balance is alright. Since there is no connection at the soul level there is no selfless love, and the relationship breaks off as soon as the give-get relationship goes off balance.
Body mate and soul mate:
Seen in couples where one of them is not at the same level of intellectual ability as the other one, and there is no intellectual sharing, but the physical relationship is great and there is the element of selfless love as well. Such a relationship keeps going even if the physical side dies because of the soul connections. The relationship survives even if the selflessness is only one-sided although it would be great if it is mutually reciprocated.
Understanding selflessness in relationships.
This can be of different varieties; one may be selfless out of one’s duty or demands of the situation rather than a sense of pleasure while in other circumstances one cannot help but be the person who is helping to give and it is consistent with their inner feelings.
Misconceptions in this area:
Sadly, people think that one cannot have more than one soulmate and believe that if someone loves his or her sister or mother deeply it is at the cost of their love for their spouse, but the reality is just the opposite. If someone hasn’t learned how to love their sister or mother deeply with whom they have shared most of their life so far – what are the chances that this person will be able to love their spouse deeply? Whenever I see someone not having an intimate relationship with their sibs or parents, I can smell the poor prognosis of their other relationships as well. However, there are some exceptions to this rule, those who could not have intimate relationships within their family of origin, develop deep bonds within their own families.
Even the famous psychiatrist Sigmund Freud went wrong here in trying to understand relationships – he said “loving your enemy would be detrimental to your psychic apparatus” perhaps he didn’t understand that in the process of acquiring the ability to love one’s neighbor or enemy, one has already become stronger, as it requires neutralizing one’s negative feelings and this will strengthen their psychic apparatus. Without neutralizing their negative feelings towards the enemy one can’t love them.
Perhaps in the physical arena commitment and exclusivity to one person causes the least problems but at the soul level, any connection is likely to have a positive ripple effect on other relationships as well.
Conclusion
To conclude – The word soulmate simply means you are relating to the person from your soul/inner consciousness and in a selfless manner, or that person is instrumental in helping you connect to your deeper reaches where selfless love lives. This can happen with more than one person or the whole of humanity.
One can think of connecting with a soulmate in terms of making a delicious pudding. Your soulmate is not out there readymade looking for you and you don’t have to look for signs of a soulmate in any person. It is up to you to make someone a soulmate if you want to if enough ingredients are there in front of you. Just as you can make a pudding if there are enough ingredients to do that in front of you.
But you can also choose not to make a pudding even if the ingredients are there in front of you. Also, if you want to make a pudding and enough ingredients are not there in front of you, you need to bring them out (in the example of soulmate) from your own self and from the other person. So, there is no one person who will either fit the bill or not fit the bill. There may be many people who can easily fit the bill, and many people who with little effort will fit the bill, it’s up to you if you want a soulmate, and stop looking for that one person who was tailor-made for you in the heavens by your destiny.
For Jesus or Buddha, the whole of humanity was their soulmate. For someone, it may just be one person or more than one person.
Another quality of a soulmate relationship is that it’s irreversible, once established you can’t snap that relationship by will. That is why many individuals – after going through several relationships or marriages keep the feelings they had towards their first love. King Charles in England is an example.
As the old saying goes – A woman, perhaps a man as well, can never forget her first love. I am not sure how correct this is in modern times. If the first love was a casual one, one does forget it, and if the love had elements of soul connection one never forgets it whether it is the first one or the last one.
The word “soulmate” has created enormous confusion and suffering for humanity. People, more so in the Western world, are always looking for someone who can be their soulmate so that they can abandon their painful and never-ending search and live happily ever after with that special person who was created for them. After so many years of their marriage, this longing stays deep inside.
It is important to understand our loving or other relationships in terms of the following three levels:
Body-mate – sharing physical pleasures.
Mind-mate – sharing the mental space.
Definition of a soulmate
Soulmate – the person connects to our own soul or the universal soul which is common to all humanity. In the soul space, there is no give and take, either you are connected with or disconnected from it, and it is not difficult to find out if at this moment you are connected or disconnected from it.
When you marry, your partner is expected to be all three of these for you and vice versa. That would be ideal, but in less-than-ideal circumstances, one ends up being only one of the three, i.e., a body-mate, a mind-mate, a soulmate; or a mixture of any two of these three components.
If one is only a body-mate they would enjoy only the physical relationship but there would be no feelings of togetherness, sharing of passions, intellectual stimulation, friendship, and selfless love. We see this happening in very brief casual relationships.
Another scenario would be – one is not a body-mate or soul mate but only a mind-mate. This is seen in friendships between the same gender or opposite ones. An example would be people belonging to the same group, ideology, school of thought, etc. The relationship between Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir can also fall into this category, the physical relations ended but they continued to share intellectual insights and were friends to each other until the end.
A third example would be an only soul mate, no body-mate or mind-mate – the example would be the relationship between Raman Maharshi and his mother, or Adi Shankaracharya and his mother.
Ramana Maharishi left his house when aged 16 in search of spiritual goals and never returned, when his mother found out where he was after several years and went to take him home, he refused to come, but eventually, they both lived together in his ashram for several years before she died. She was his soulmate late in life.
Shankaracharya also wanted to leave home against his mother’s wishes, but he promised that he will come back whenever she remembered him and at the time of her death, which he did.
Ramanuja was a great Indian mathematician who went to Cambridge but didn’t take his wife along (a film made on his life called – “The man who knew Infinity” which won an academy award – with actors Jeremy Irons and Dev Patel). There was no sharing of his intellectual insights into mathematics with his wife, but perhaps there was a very deep connection between the two.
Now let us look at having two of the three ingredients. The mind-mate and a soulmate.
There is no physical relationship, but every other ingredient is present. We find that in many marriages, perhaps late in life, sexual activities can come to an end (in lesbian relationships it’s called bed death) but they continue to share intellectual space and experience selfless love. Many couples describe themselves as living like siblings and having no physical relationship but would describe their marriage as exceptionally good. It is not limited only to heterosexual relationships. This could be true for a brother-sister relationship, mother and daughter, or a relationship between two friends.
An example of this would be the relationship between Sigmund Freud and his daughter Anna Freud. Anna never married and her father was the main figure in her life. They both were intellectuals and shared the mind space and perhaps the soul space as well.
It is also seen in the relationship between leaders and followers, between spiritual leaders. Having the soulmate ingredient brings in the element of selflessness in the relationship.
Being body-mate and mind-mate:
People have great physical and mental intimacy, but it’s all based on selfishness and the relationship keeps going because the give-get balance is alright. Since there is no connection at the soul level there is no selfless love, and the relationship breaks off as soon as the give-get relationship goes off balance.
Body mate and soul mate:
Seen in couples where one of them is not at the same level of intellectual ability as the other one, and there is no intellectual sharing, but the physical relationship is great and there is the element of selfless love as well. Such a relationship keeps going even if the physical side dies because of the soul connections. The relationship survives even if the selflessness is only one-sided although it would be great if it is mutually reciprocated.
Understanding selflessness in relationships.
This can be of different varieties; one may be selfless out of one’s duty or demands of the situation rather than a sense of pleasure while in other circumstances one cannot help but be the person who is helping to give and it is consistent with their inner feelings.
Misconceptions in this area:
Sadly, people think that one cannot have more than one soulmate and believe that if someone loves his or her sister or mother deeply it is at the cost of their love for their spouse, but the reality is just the opposite. If someone hasn’t learned how to love their sister or mother deeply with whom they have shared most of their life so far – what are the chances that this person will be able to love their spouse deeply? Whenever I see someone not having an intimate relationship with their sibs or parents, I can smell the poor prognosis of their other relationships as well. However, there are some exceptions to this rule, those who could not have intimate relationships within their family of origin, develop deep bonds within their own families.
Even the famous psychiatrist Sigmund Freud went wrong here in trying to understand relationships – he said “loving your enemy would be detrimental to your psychic apparatus” perhaps he didn’t understand that in the process of acquiring the ability to love one’s neighbor or enemy, one has already become stronger, as it requires neutralizing one’s negative feelings and this will strengthen their psychic apparatus. Without neutralizing their negative feelings towards the enemy one can’t love them.
Perhaps in the physical arena commitment and exclusivity to one person causes the least problems but at the soul level, any connection is likely to have a positive ripple effect on other relationships as well.
Conclusion
To conclude – The word soulmate simply means you are relating to the person from your soul/inner consciousness and in a selfless manner, or that person is instrumental in helping you connect to your deeper reaches where selfless love lives. This can happen with more than one person or the whole of humanity.
One can think of connecting with a soulmate in terms of making a delicious pudding. Your soulmate is not out there readymade looking for you and you don’t have to look for signs of a soulmate in any person. It is up to you to make someone a soulmate if you want to if enough ingredients are there in front of you. Just as you can make a pudding if there are enough ingredients to do that in front of you.
But you can also choose not to make a pudding even if the ingredients are there in front of you. Also, if you want to make a pudding and enough ingredients are not there in front of you, you need to bring them out (in the example of soulmate) from your own self and from the other person. So, there is no one person who will either fit the bill or not fit the bill. There may be many people who can easily fit the bill, and many people who with little effort will fit the bill, it’s up to you if you want a soulmate, and stop looking for that one person who was tailor-made for you in the heavens by your destiny.
For Jesus or Buddha, the whole of humanity was their soulmate. For someone, it may just be one person or more than one person.
Another quality of a soulmate relationship is that it’s irreversible, once established you can’t snap that relationship by will. That is why many individuals – after going through several relationships or marriages keep the feelings they had towards their first love. King Charles in England is an example.
As the old saying goes – A woman, perhaps a man as well, can never forget her first love. I am not sure how correct this is in modern times. If the first love was a casual one, one does forget it, and if the love had elements of soul connection one never forgets it whether it is the first one or the last one.
