The Psychology of Complaining
Overview
It is important not to confuse giving feedback with complaining.
Every organization should have a mechanism by which the users can complain and get their grievances addressed.
The culture of giving feedback and complaining is considered desirable as it ensures the proper functioning of any system or organization. Every organization should have a mechanism by which the users can complain and get their grievances addressed.
The culture of giving feedback and complaining is considered desirable as it ensures the proper functioning of any system or organization. Every organization should have a mechanism by which the users can complain and get their grievances addressed.
It is important not to confuse giving feedback with complaining. The motivation behind giving feedback is for the betterment of the organization, or the services that are on offer. Whereas the primary motivation behind complaining is the resolution of personal issues.
At times, the motivation behind complaining or finding faults with others is personal psychological gratification rather than wanting the situation to be corrected. When one finds faults in others, it gives them an opportunity to see themselves as right, and others as wrong and it strengthens their egos. It can also help with their low self-esteem. There is some scientific evidence to suggest that people who have a contemptuous attitude towards other suffer from low self-esteem as it is compensatory.
However, the opposite of complaining i.e., acceptance has also been described as a positive attribute of an individual as it promotes their well-being. So how do we reconcile these two practices? It is as difficult as reconciling forgiveness with courts delivering a just verdict to an offender.
We need to understand the concept of acceptance in a bit more detail.
In spite of being a positive attribute, it can be fatalistic if one stops making efforts to remedy the situation.
The early research carried out on the prognosis of breast cancer patients found out that patients who did not accept their condition and had a fighting spirit had better outcomes. However, subsequent research indicated that patients who accepted their diagnosis and had a strong motivation to fight it had even better outcomes. Therefore, we can understand acceptance as a positive attribute of an individual if we see it as the starting point of one’s endeavors in correcting a situation and not the endpoint.
Another example is if you got low grades in your examination, you have two options; one you do not accept it and the assumption here is that you thought it was unfair to you to get low grades and you deserved more. The other option is that you accept the low grades because of your inferior performance. The chances of being successful in the next exam would be much more if you accepted your low grades and worked harder towards your goals next time, otherwise, you will not be motivated to improve yourself for the next examination.
Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual leader said, “every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in. Whether you complain aloud or in your mind makes no difference, as your mind has already clouded your pure consciousness.” He said, “resentment is a step further than just complaining, it is an emotional reaction to complaining. Even if there is truth in what you are resenting, what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.” (Eckhart Tolle – YouTube)
Eckhart Tolle has described long-standing resentment as a grievance. To keep the grievance alive, one must keep retelling the story in their head, and that creates a mental structure that can contaminate other areas of one’s life. Seeing no purpose in holding on to it can be helpful in forgiving and moving on.
Recently, I came across a definition of spirituality, which is, “learning how not to complain.” Jiddu Krishnamurthy, a philosopher, when asked to describe the essence of spirituality, he said, “I don’t mind anything that is happening.” To me, it appears he did not mean you just put up with whatever is happening in your life without complaining. Perhaps what he meant was that at the deepest level of your Being, some call it “spirit,” there is an okayness with Existence, and when you connect with that part of your Being your mind (ego) is silenced and you are in bliss. But when you return from that part of your being you need to make judgments in terms of right and wrong and take remedial measures. So, there are two parts to your Being, the ego, and the spirit. When you relate to your ego, you feel the need to analyze things and complain, and when you relate to your spirit you forget about complaining and just accept things as you do not want the inner happiness to be stirred up.
The issue of complaining is also connected to another dimension of our psyche, which is the dichotomy between “I” and “other,” or “us” and “them,” and complaining stems from the ego and not the spirit. We tend to complain when the problem is seen within the other or them, and we lose motivation when it pertains to me or us. Spiritually advanced individuals go beyond this dichotomy and hence lose the motivation to complain.
At times it helps not to link the problem with another person’s personality but with their faulty learning which can be remedied with your efforts. And one should apply the same logic to one’s own undesirable behavior.
Bodily complaints
I recently met a friend who was into all sorts of healing remedies, he is like a walking encyclopedia on all sorts of healing methods. He was constantly making a judgment on what is “normal” and what is not and was declaring his health, both physical and psychological, as not normal whenever he experienced any symptom. Perhaps his definition of what normally needed to be worked on.
I asked him, “why are you not okay with the unhappiness and discomfort as it may not be a disease but just the workings of your body and mind?”
Alan Watts, quoting from Eastern spiritual understanding, has talked about looking at our life as the shape of a cloud – there are no misshapen clouds, and there are no mistakes. The body is only a healing organism, and it is constantly trying to heal itself from all sorts of negative influences, both internal and external.
What we see as a problem, or a symptom may in fact be our body’s attempts to solve a problem. Sickness and diarrhea after food poisoning is not an illness, having panic attacks when you do not like where your life is taking you is also not an illness, inflammation after an injury is also not an illness, etc. Our body’s reaction is never wrong and sometimes those efforts have been labeled as illnesses. At times what we see as an illness is nothing but our body’s attempts to get rid of the negative energies from our system or some dormant illness coming onto the physical plane. With mental illness, it may be that your mind is trying to purge itself of something negative. If your body is trying to bring out dormant illnesses on the surface it should be seen as good news, as you are in the process of getting rid of them.
One needs to zoom out of one’s preoccupations with the problems that they are suffering from and think of all the problems that they are not suffering from or the problems that may come with advancing age, and it can help them be more accepting.
I often ask my clients to visualize their symptoms in terms of a shark in the sea. Sharks can be deadly and can kill small creatures of the sea. But you do not see yourself as a small fish that the shark can gobble up. You are the sea, and the sea is not scared of the shark. The shark is finite, and the sea is relatively infinite, the shark will die one day but the sea will live on. Similarly, your illness is finite, but the capacity of your mind is infinite. The illness will end, but you will live on. You will find happiness in the end when all the drama of your illness has been played out.
We need to understand the concept of acceptance in a bit more detail.
In spite of being a positive attribute, it can be fatalistic if one stops making efforts to remedy the situation.
The early research carried out on the prognosis of breast cancer patients found out that patients who did not accept their condition and had a fighting spirit had better outcomes. However, subsequent research indicated that patients who accepted their diagnosis and had a strong motivation to fight it had even better outcomes. Therefore, we can understand acceptance as a positive attribute of an individual if we see it as the starting point of one’s endeavors in correcting a situation and not the endpoint.
Another example, if you got low grades in your examination, you have two options; one you do not accept it and the assumption here is that you thought it was unfair to you to get low grades and you deserved more. The other option is that you accept the low grades because of your inferior performance. The chances of being successful in the next exam would be much more if you accepted your low grades and worked harder towards your goals next time, otherwise, you will not be motivated to improve yourself for the next examination.
Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual leader said, “every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in. Whether you complain aloud or in your mind makes no difference, as your mind has already clouded your pure consciousness.” He said, “resentment is a step further than just complaining, it is an emotional reaction to complaining. Even if there is truth in what you are resenting, what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.” (Eckhart Tolle – YouTube)
Eckhart Tolle has described long-standing resentment as a grievance. To keep the grievance alive, one must keep retelling the story in their head, and that creates a mental structure that can contaminate other areas of one’s life. Seeing no purpose in holding on to it can be helpful in forgiving and moving on.
Recently, I came across a definition of spirituality, which is, “learning how not to complain.” Jiddu Krishnamurthy, a philosopher, when asked to describe the essence of spirituality, he said, “I don’t mind anything that is happening.” To me, it appears he did not mean you just put up with whatever is happening in your life without complaining. Perhaps what he meant was that at the deepest level of your Being, some call it “spirit,” there is an okayness with Existence, and when you connect with that part of your Being your mind (ego) is silenced and you are in bliss. But when you return from that part of your being you need to make judgments in terms of right and wrong and take remedial measures. So, there are two parts to your Being, the ego, and the spirit. When you relate to your ego, you feel the need to analyze things and complain, and when you relate to your spirit you forget about complaining and just accept things as you do not want the inner happiness to be stirred up.
The issue of complaining is also connected to another dimension of our psyche, which is the dichotomy between “I” and “other,” or “us” and “them,” and complaining stems from the ego and not the spirit. We tend to complain when the problem is seen within the other or them, and we lose motivation when it pertains to me or us. Spiritually advanced individuals go beyond this dichotomy and hence lose the motivation to complain.
At times it helps not to link the problem with another person’s personality but with their faulty learning which can be remedied with your efforts. And one should apply the same logic to one’s own undesirable behavior.
Conclusion
We tend to have romanticized notions of this world and fail to understand what normal life is. We tend to imagine a normal life as having no illness, a job, a house, a supportive partner, obedient children, a stress-free job, etc. but how many of us have that sort of life? We have examined our own lives under a microscope and know all the blemishes and scar marks, but we have not examined others’ lives under a microscope, and most people do not talk about their problems with you unless you are a close friend.
Having a proper definition of what is normal is important here as it is linked with our complaining behavior. We are not perfect, so how can we expect others to be perfect?
The culture of giving feedback and complaining is considered desirable as it ensures the proper functioning of any system or organization. Every organization should have a mechanism by which the users can complain and get their grievances addressed.
It is important not to confuse giving feedback with complaining. The motivation behind giving feedback is for the betterment of the organization, or the services that are on offer. Whereas the primary motivation behind complaining is the resolution of personal issues.
At times, the motivation behind complaining or finding faults with others is personal psychological gratification rather than wanting the situation to be corrected. When one finds faults in others, it gives them an opportunity to see themselves as right, and others as wrong and it strengthens their egos. It can also help with their low self-esteem. There is some scientific evidence to suggest that people who have a contemptuous attitude towards other suffer from low self-esteem as it is compensatory.
However, the opposite of complaining i.e., acceptance has also been described as a positive attribute of an individual as it promotes their well-being. So how do we reconcile these two practices? It is as difficult as reconciling forgiveness with courts delivering a just verdict to an offender.
We need to understand the concept of acceptance in a bit more detail.
In spite of being a positive attribute, it can be fatalistic if one stops making efforts to remedy the situation.
The early research carried out on the prognosis of breast cancer patients found out that patients who did not accept their condition and had a fighting spirit had better outcomes. However, subsequent research indicated that patients who accepted their diagnosis and had a strong motivation to fight it had even better outcomes. Therefore, we can understand acceptance as a positive attribute of an individual if we see it as the starting point of one’s endeavors in correcting a situation and not the endpoint.
Another example is if you got low grades in your examination, you have two options; one you do not accept it and the assumption here is that you thought it was unfair to you to get low grades and you deserved more. The other option is that you accept the low grades because of your inferior performance. The chances of being successful in the next exam would be much more if you accepted your low grades and worked harder towards your goals next time, otherwise, you will not be motivated to improve yourself for the next examination.
Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual leader said, “every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in. Whether you complain aloud or in your mind makes no difference, as your mind has already clouded your pure consciousness.” He said, “resentment is a step further than just complaining, it is an emotional reaction to complaining. Even if there is truth in what you are resenting, what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.” (Eckhart Tolle – YouTube)
Eckhart Tolle has described long-standing resentment as a grievance. To keep the grievance alive, one must keep retelling the story in their head, and that creates a mental structure that can contaminate other areas of one’s life. Seeing no purpose in holding on to it can be helpful in forgiving and moving on.
Recently, I came across a definition of spirituality, which is, “learning how not to complain.” Jiddu Krishnamurthy, a philosopher, when asked to describe the essence of spirituality, he said, “I don’t mind anything that is happening.” To me, it appears he did not mean you just put up with whatever is happening in your life without complaining. Perhaps what he meant was that at the deepest level of your Being, some call it “spirit,” there is an okayness with Existence, and when you connect with that part of your Being your mind (ego) is silenced and you are in bliss. But when you return from that part of your being you need to make judgments in terms of right and wrong and take remedial measures. So, there are two parts to your Being, the ego, and the spirit. When you relate to your ego, you feel the need to analyze things and complain, and when you relate to your spirit you forget about complaining and just accept things as you do not want the inner happiness to be stirred up.
The issue of complaining is also connected to another dimension of our psyche, which is the dichotomy between “I” and “other,” or “us” and “them,” and complaining stems from the ego and not the spirit. We tend to complain when the problem is seen within the other or them, and we lose motivation when it pertains to me or us. Spiritually advanced individuals go beyond this dichotomy and hence lose the motivation to complain.
At times it helps not to link the problem with another person’s personality but with their faulty learning which can be remedied with your efforts. And one should apply the same logic to one’s own undesirable behavior.
Bodily complaints
I recently met a friend who was into all sorts of healing remedies, he is like a walking encyclopedia on all sorts of healing methods. He was constantly making a judgment on what is “normal” and what is not and was declaring his health, both physical and psychological, as not normal whenever he experienced any symptom. Perhaps his definition of what normally needed to be worked on.
I asked him, “why are you not okay with the unhappiness and discomfort as it may not be a disease but just the workings of your body and mind?”
Alan Watts, quoting from Eastern spiritual understanding, has talked about looking at our life as the shape of a cloud – there are no misshapen clouds, and there are no mistakes. The body is only a healing organism, and it is constantly trying to heal itself from all sorts of negative influences, both internal and external.
What we see as a problem, or a symptom may in fact be our body’s attempts to solve a problem. Sickness and diarrhea after food poisoning is not an illness, having panic attacks when you do not like where your life is taking you is also not an illness, inflammation after an injury is also not an illness, etc. Our body’s reaction is never wrong and sometimes those efforts have been labeled as illnesses. At times what we see as an illness is nothing but our body’s attempts to get rid of the negative energies from our system or some dormant illness coming onto the physical plane. With mental illness, it may be that your mind is trying to purge itself of something negative. If your body is trying to bring out dormant illnesses on the surface it should be seen as good news, as you are in the process of getting rid of them.
One needs to zoom out of one’s preoccupations with the problems that they are suffering from and think of all the problems that they are not suffering from or the problems that may come with advancing age, and it can help them be more accepting.
I often ask my clients to visualize their symptoms in terms of a shark in the sea. Sharks can be deadly and can kill small creatures of the sea. But you do not see yourself as a small fish that the shark can gobble up. You are the sea, and the sea is not scared of the shark. The shark is finite, and the sea is relatively infinite, the shark will die one day but the sea will live on. Similarly, your illness is finite, but the capacity of your mind is infinite. The illness will end, but you will live on. You will find happiness in the end when all the drama of your illness has been played out.
We need to understand the concept of acceptance in a bit more detail.
In spite of being a positive attribute, it can be fatalistic if one stops making efforts to remedy the situation.
The early research carried out on the prognosis of breast cancer patients found out that patients who did not accept their condition and had a fighting spirit had better outcomes. However, subsequent research indicated that patients who accepted their diagnosis and had a strong motivation to fight it had even better outcomes. Therefore, we can understand acceptance as a positive attribute of an individual if we see it as the starting point of one’s endeavors in correcting a situation and not the endpoint.
Another example, if you got low grades in your examination, you have two options; one you do not accept it and the assumption here is that you thought it was unfair to you to get low grades and you deserved more. The other option is that you accept the low grades because of your inferior performance. The chances of being successful in the next exam would be much more if you accepted your low grades and worked harder towards your goals next time, otherwise, you will not be motivated to improve yourself for the next examination.
Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual leader said, “every complaint is a little story the mind makes up that you completely believe in. Whether you complain aloud or in your mind makes no difference, as your mind has already clouded your pure consciousness.” He said, “resentment is a step further than just complaining, it is an emotional reaction to complaining. Even if there is truth in what you are resenting, what you react to in another, you strengthen in yourself.” (Eckhart Tolle – YouTube)
Eckhart Tolle has described long-standing resentment as a grievance. To keep the grievance alive, one must keep retelling the story in their head, and that creates a mental structure that can contaminate other areas of one’s life. Seeing no purpose in holding on to it can be helpful in forgiving and moving on.
Recently, I came across a definition of spirituality, which is, “learning how not to complain.” Jiddu Krishnamurthy, a philosopher, when asked to describe the essence of spirituality, he said, “I don’t mind anything that is happening.” To me, it appears he did not mean you just put up with whatever is happening in your life without complaining. Perhaps what he meant was that at the deepest level of your Being, some call it “spirit,” there is an okayness with Existence, and when you connect with that part of your Being your mind (ego) is silenced and you are in bliss. But when you return from that part of your being you need to make judgments in terms of right and wrong and take remedial measures. So, there are two parts to your Being, the ego, and the spirit. When you relate to your ego, you feel the need to analyze things and complain, and when you relate to your spirit you forget about complaining and just accept things as you do not want the inner happiness to be stirred up.
The issue of complaining is also connected to another dimension of our psyche, which is the dichotomy between “I” and “other,” or “us” and “them,” and complaining stems from the ego and not the spirit. We tend to complain when the problem is seen within the other or them, and we lose motivation when it pertains to me or us. Spiritually advanced individuals go beyond this dichotomy and hence lose the motivation to complain.
At times it helps not to link the problem with another person’s personality but with their faulty learning which can be remedied with your efforts. And one should apply the same logic to one’s own undesirable behavior.
Conclusion
We tend to have romanticized notions of this world and fail to understand what normal life is. We tend to imagine a normal life as having no illness, a job, a house, a supportive partner, obedient children, a stress-free job, etc. but how many of us have that sort of life? We have examined our own lives under a microscope and know all the blemishes and scar marks, but we have not examined others’ lives under a microscope, and most people do not talk about their problems with you unless you are a close friend.
Having a proper definition of what is normal is important here as it is linked with our complaining behavior. We are not perfect, so how can we expect others to be perfect?
