What is wrong in Calling a Spade a Spade?
Overview
Isn’t it wise to speak the truth only when it is helpful to the individual concerned?
A friend of mine once asked me how my neighbour was, a general causal question, as we were standing in front of my house and the neighbour’s house was in sight. My instant answer was, “he is an uncouth person who is struggling to settle in here in this country.” The friend, who was deep into Christian spirituality and believed in loving thy neighbours, was taken aback, forcing me to feel guilty for not loving my neighbour.
Isn’t it wise to speak the truth only when it is helpful to the individual concerned or the situation demands it, and that also in a friendly or supportive manner?
I then reflected on my unhelpful attitude of focusing only on the negative. This person had recently moved into my neighbourhood and the only interactions I had with him were not pleasant I only saw his selfishness and indifference to social norms. I am sure there would be many positive sides to his personality of which I was not aware.
Lord Henry Wotton, one of the characters in Oscar Wilde’s Novel – The Picture of Dorian Gray, says, “the man who could call a spade a spade would be compelled to use one, it is the only thing he is fit for.” In contrast to that, others may argue and say, “why to complicate the matter just stick to the simple conventional phrase that can convey the meaning.
On another occasion, during a conversation, a relative of mine responded to my criticism of a certain politician saying, “isn’t it the negative side of your mind which makes you say those things, you need a thief mentality to catch a thief, to which I said, “I have been praising this politician for the last few minutes, but you never said it was the positive side of my personality. Should I only talk positively about others? Will not I become inauthentic that way? If I call a ‘thief’ ‘not a thief,’ how will people trust me when I express my good opinions of others.?
Calling a blind person blind or an intellectually challenged person a moron is a bigger sin than calling a normal person blind or a moron. It is uncivilised behaviour as it does not help anyone and makes the individual unhappy, the person knows they have a disability, and repeating it is like rubbing salt in their wounds or touching a raw nerve.
Delving deeper into this issue – should you speak the truth knowing that the other person is not going to accept it or benefit from it? like the rain falling on a rock.
My understanding is you should if you can without offending the person, as the penny may drop after a while, and you are giving the person some thoughts for reflection in their free time.
Another aspect is – is it okay to discuss someone’s faults in their absence when talking with others. Wise men say, “don’t say anything unpleasant about a person if you can’t say that in front of that person.” As it is possible that the person concerned may come to know what you were saying about them anyway due to the emotional gratifications people get out of gossiping.
Spiritual leaders tell us that communication happens at a very subtle and unconscious level, things that you have not yet said to the other person, do have an impact on the person being thought of. We all have a third eye which senses things unconsciously even before they are spoken or never spoken.
Even if we are not calling a spade a spade but thinking about a spade as a spade is equally bad. This means we should not even think about a spade as a spade, would you call it a wise approach?
If someone says to you, “I am such a clumsy person, I can’t get anything right,” “I am not good-looking” or something self-deprecating along those lines, and you immediately agree with that person, they are not going to like it and it will not be classed as a civilised behaviour on your part. Even if you want to agree with that person, good manners demand that you do not say it or say something positive about the person. When you say something undesirable about yourself it’s okay and acceptable, but it is not acceptable when the same words are said to you by others.
I have come across people who do not criticise anybody and they do not like moaning, but they are not considered a great company. They are like an opaque wall between you and the truth. When someone is being criticised in front of them, even if the criticism is valid, they feel compelled to defend the person being accused, giving them the benefit of doubt. They will not go with the high-probability opinion and may end up being wrong.
Most people like to hear criticism of others, as in some ways it makes them feel superior to others, and it also validates their own thoughts and feelings. I am not saying you should criticise others to create a feeling of mutuality and connection with others.
Conclusion
I like people who praise and criticise sticking to the truth, you can have a real and equal relationship with them. If someone close to you has some information and they not share it with you, it can make you feel inferior as that person does not consider you worthy enough for sharing or capable of keeping things confidential or capable of not being damaged by it. It is good enough for them to know it, but it is not good enough for you to know it.
However, calling a spade a spade is not always a negative thing. At times when others are being diplomatic and dodging the issues which do not allow the issues to get worked on, someone coming along and speaking directly without mincing their words can be refreshing and is welcome. At times, calling a spade a spade is more effective than being diplomatic, whereas at other times being politically correct is better.
I then reflected on my unhelpful attitude of focusing only on the negative. This person had recently moved into my neighbourhood and the only interactions I had with him were not pleasant I only saw his selfishness and indifference to social norms. I am sure there would be many positive sides to his personality of which I was not aware.
Lord Henry Wotton, one of the characters in Oscar Wilde’s Novel – The Picture of Dorian Gray, says, “the man who could call a spade a spade would be compelled to use one, it is the only thing he is fit for.” In contrast to that, others may argue and say, “why to complicate the matter just stick to the simple conventional phrase that can convey the meaning.
On another occasion, during a conversation, a relative of mine responded to my criticism of a certain politician saying, “isn’t it the negative side of your mind which makes you say those things, you need a thief mentality to catch a thief, to which I said, “I have been praising this politician for the last few minutes, but you never said it was the positive side of my personality. Should I only talk positively about others? Will not I become inauthentic that way? If I call a ‘thief’ ‘not a thief,’ how will people trust me when I express my good opinions of others.?
Calling a blind person blind or an intellectually challenged person a moron is a bigger sin than calling a normal person blind or a moron. It is uncivilised behaviour as it does not help anyone and makes the individual unhappy, the person knows they have a disability, and repeating it is like rubbing salt in their wounds or touching a raw nerve.
Delving deeper into this issue – should you speak the truth knowing that the other person is not going to accept it or benefit from it? like the rain falling on a rock.
My understanding is you should if you can without offending the person, as the penny may drop after a while, and you are giving the person some thoughts for reflection in their free time.
Another aspect is – is it okay to discuss someone’s faults in their absence when talking with others. Wise men say, “don’t say anything unpleasant about a person if you can’t say that in front of that person.” As it is possible that the person concerned may come to know what you were saying about them anyway due to the emotional gratifications people get out of gossiping.
Spiritual leaders tell us that communication happens at a very subtle and unconscious level, things that you have not yet said to the other person, do have an impact on the person being thought of. We all have a third eye which senses things unconsciously even before they are spoken or never spoken.
Even if we are not calling a spade a spade but thinking about a spade as a spade is equally bad. This means we should not even think about a spade as a spade, would you call it a wise approach?
If someone says to you, “I am such a clumsy person, I can’t get anything right,” “I am not good-looking” or something self-deprecating along those lines, and you immediately agree with that person, they are not going to like it and it will not be classed as a civilised behaviour on your part. Even if you want to agree with that person, good manners demand that you do not say it or say something positive about the person. When you say something undesirable about yourself it’s okay and acceptable, but it is not acceptable when the same words are said to you by others.
I have come across people who do not criticise anybody and they do not like moaning, but they are not considered a great company. They are like an opaque wall between you and the truth. When someone is being criticised in front of them, even if the criticism is valid, they feel compelled to defend the person being accused, giving them the benefit of doubt. They will not go with the high-probability opinion and may end up being wrong.
Most people like to hear criticism of others, as in some ways it makes them feel superior to others, and it also validates their own thoughts and feelings. I am not saying you should criticise others to create a feeling of mutuality and connection with others.
Conclusion
I like people who praise and criticise sticking to the truth, you can have a real and equal relationship with them. If someone close to you has some information and they not share it with you, it can make you feel inferior as that person does not consider you worthy enough for sharing or capable of keeping things confidential or capable of not being damaged by it. It is good enough for them to know it, but it is not good enough for you to know it.
However, calling a spade a spade is not always a negative thing. At times when others are being diplomatic and dodging the issues which do not allow the issues to get worked on, someone coming along and speaking directly without mincing their words can be refreshing and is welcome. At times, calling a spade a spade is more effective than being diplomatic, whereas at other times being politically correct is better.
