To an average person, it may mean the person is very cold and emotionless, and not warm-hearted. The literal meaning will also be that something positive is missing. However, it may be more than that, it could mean, apart from the absence or freezing of warmth and positive feelings, the presence of negative emotions such as fear and anxiety which are not frozen.

There could be various explanations for Frozen heart syndrome, it can happen when one or both parents are aggressive, and the child is fearful and cannot have a heart-to-heart talk with their parent.

The manifestations are – they cannot do small talk with others beyond discussing the weather and the fact of the situation in front of them. Their relationship with their parent becomes the prototype of their relationships with the rest of the world when they grow up. They are not exuberant or warm and lack acceptance in their personality. If they are generous, the decision to give springs from their minds and not from their hearts. They are less empathic and get easily cut off, tend to seek intellectual explanations for everything, do not trust people easily, don’t take risks in relationships, can’t open their hearts in front of others, and don’t allow others to open their heart in front of them as they wouldn’t know how to handle their own or others’ emotions. They tend to intellectualize and rationalize everything, for them, every situation and life itself is a problem to be solved and not an experience to be had.

Frozen heart people have no desire to fight or be courageous because when they were children, they knew that the parent was stronger and they dare not challenge a stronger person, they feel defeated already. As a result, they quietly walk away from the situation.

Sigmund Freud described two yardsticks of progress in therapy

Sigmund Freud described two yardsticks of progress in therapy – the capacity to work and the capacity to love. Recently I came across a YouTube video of Don Carveth, a Canadian psychoanalyst, who has added two more attributes to the list i.e., capacity to play and capacity to fight. Perhaps by fight, he meant “be courageous.” Courage lies in correcting a situation rather than having to choose between accepting or walking away.

Other features of frozen heart syndrome:

• Inability to love oneself and others
• Overly critical of self and others
• Inability to forgive and move on from past experience
• Feeling detached from one’s own emotions and becoming numb to others’ love and compassion
• Unforgiving attitude
• Lack of compassion and empathy
• Hatred and jealously

The psychiatric diagnoses that come closest to frozen heart syndrome would be anxiety, anxious personality disorder, social phobias, or paranoid personality disorder.

In my opinion, the frozen heart is different as people with anxiety and social phobias can be very warm, empathic, and compassionate people. Paranoid personalities on the other hand, although they share mistrust with frozen heart syndrome, normally move against people rather than walk away, and their mistrust is much stronger.

The antidotes to the Frozen heart behavior?

• When you go to meet someone, do not make your schedule very tight, have enough time for that one person. I remember I was once invited to lunch by a relative. I had already made another plan to meet up with someone else later that afternoon. So, I did some calculations – and thought after spending a couple of hours at this relative’s place for lunch, I will shoot off to the next destination. This relative had worked very hard preparing a delicious meal and was looking forward to a leisurely afternoon of relaxed discussions and afternoon tea together and felt let down when I announced that I was heading for my next appointment. One can find similar examples from one’s life experiences when we lose out on precious interpersonal moments and intimacy due to the mad rush and trying to pack too many things into our time schedules.
• When someone asks tough questions, we tend to shirk away or give very brief answers to change the topic or get defensive. We, therefore, lose an opportunity to have an honest and deep conversation that can be helpful to us in learning to be fully grown up and emotionally strong person. The relationship with that person remains at a superficial level. We should honestly answer the questions unless they are very private, or the situation does not demand an answer. In that case, just say smilingly, that is private, I am not going to tell you, or you should not be asking such questions, or something along that line rather than feeling embarrassed and being quiet. If you disagree with that person’s opinion, feel free to express it and ask the person what made them think that way. I have seen situations where the person goes silent and after a few awkward moments, they change the topic.
• Do not hesitate in asking difficult questions. You are inviting that person to take the opportunity to manage their difficult emotions in public and to develop a closer and more honest relationship with you. At times they appreciated that you are taking interest in their lives.
• Be willing for a little bit of self-disclosure as it creates intimacy. Sometimes people are curious to know something about you, but they are not asking those questions, but if you think the situation demands and they are being unnecessarily inhibited, you should volunteer the information. Too much self-disclosure can also make you appear vulnerable and not wise.
• Do not hold grudges for too long. Treat even selfish people as if they have been unselfish with you. Learn to inculcate unconditional love. Do not live with a story or a narrative of your life putting yourself in the place of a victim. If you are unhappy about the past, you can change it, which means you will remain unhappy for the rest of your life, so drop the story and move on.

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