An honest answer to that would be yes and no. We all want this world to be kind, caring, friendly, and fair to us but we often end up feeling disappointed. Why is it so? Why can’t people be fair and friendly?

The wise people tell us that this world is like a hall of mirrors; you smile and all the images around you smile at you. You get angry and shout at the images and you see all the images getting angry and shouting at you. It is what you put out that comes back to you. However, things do not seem to be that straightforward in our everyday life.

That would be true if the other person would have understood our intentions and the nature of our actions properly and immediately, and they also had the capacity to respond in an appropriate manner. If that is not so, the example of the hall of mirrors will not be a hundred percent correct, as the images smile back at you instantaneously, whereas when it comes to human beings, there is a time lag, and even then, the results are not guaranteed a hundred percent. I do not mean to imply that the philosophy behind the hall of mirrors example is wrong. It works in its own way with obvious limitations.

Did Jesus, Gandhi, Socrates, and Galileo get what they had put out in the outside world, definitely not.

And the thousands of innocent soldiers and civilians who get killed in wars and other calamities do not have murderous impulses.

The response from Jesus to that, which one can infer from his teachings, would be that your rewards may not be available to you in this world and not in the material form. That is what most religions tell us to explain the unfairness in this world when we see righteous and innocent people being subjected to enormous persecution and suffering. Those of us who are not religious-minded just accept that life is not fair, it is full of uncertainties, and we all are subject to change and life does not make sense, without digging deep to find the answers.

Despite this knowledge of unfairness, there is a deep-seated desire in all of us to see fairness and justice being done to us and to others. We get irritated and feel hurt when we see people cheating and harming us. It is difficult to remain equanimous in the face of injustice.

Wanting to see justice and fairness will only make us stressed out; tolerating injustice will also make us stressed. Is there a way out?

One can choose to be fair to others in one’s dealings but there is no guarantee that the other person will be fair to you. At times you cannot make them see the unfairness in their actions despite your best efforts.

How to insulate ourselves from hurt:

Love can insulate us from hurt, Ramakrishna, an Indian spiritual leader, gave an example of cutting a jackfruit in dealing with other human beings. He said when you cut a jackfruit with a knife with your bare hands the milky stuff that comes out can be very sticky and it is difficult to get rid of it once it catches the skin of your hands. To prevent that from happening, the advice to follow would be to first rub oil on the skin of our hands and the oil will then prevent the sticky milk from getting stuck to our skin. In the same way, if we can insulate ourselves with love for other human beings that will stop us from the hurt. However, that may not stop the other person from acting unfairly and it is not easy to keep the switch of love on all the time unless you are a saint.

The words of the Buddha in “Majjhima Nikāya” (source Jack Kornfield’s social media posts) may be relevant here: –

Others will be cruel; I will be kind thus I will incline my heart

Others will be greedy; I will be generous thus I will incline my heart.
Others will speak falsehood; I will speak truth thus I will incline my heart.
Others will be envious; I will be appreciative thus I will incline my heart.
Others will be fraudulent; I will be honest thus I will incline my heart.
Others will be arrogant; I will be open-minded thus I will incline my heart.
Others will be harsh; I will establish compassion thus I will incline my heart.

Others may lack wisdom; I will see what is wise and live with it thus I will incline my heart.

Expect people to be unreasonable so you are mentally prepared and do not get shocks every now and then unexpectedly.

On the surface, it may appear that compared to an honest person it may be easier for a dishonest person to deal with a dishonest person as they themselves are doing the same thing, and an honest person will get hurt more in their dealing with a dishonest person.

An honest person’s expectations of honesty would be much greater compared to that of a dishonest person. Secondly, it may be that a dishonest person will be more forgiving of another dishonest person and can manage the situation better. However, it may be difficult for a dishonest person to bring another dishonest person to the path of honesty, on the contrary, they may reinforce the other person’s dishonesty.

Mahatma Gandhi, being one of the most truthful and honest persons, used to say it is difficult for people to live with me or associate with me. Perhaps because he would expect a certain level of honesty from others that they were not yet ready to practice.

When dealing with others imagine how you will react to the other person if they were your friends or relatives. This may not apply and cannot be practiced in many settings but having the thought can be helpful in certain situations. A Christian friend of mine once said to me – imagine how Jesus would have reacted in this situation and make that the goal for which you should strive.

Windfalls can take care of unexpected losses: In your mind, if you add up all the extra money that you got unexpectedly from any source and match it against any expected losses you have incurred, you may find that the losses are not greater than the gains, they cancel each other out. That may allow you to see your unexpected losses in a different light. When the value of your assets such as property appreciates you are just happy, and when its market value drops you are acutely unhappy. In my opinion, the proportion of unhappiness is generally greater than happiness.

A penny earned is a penny saved:  It is just the opposite of the conventional wisdom handed down to us through generations, which is – A penny saved is a penny earned. In certain situations, the effort and stress involved in earning a penny were more than that required in saving it, and it made sense. However, for some the effort required to earn extra money would be less than the stress caused by trying to save money. So, it makes sense to work a bit extra, and the bucks you earn from there can go into the savings account discussed earlier which can be used to pay for any unexpected expenses/losses or for unreasonable demands from unhappy people who are desperately trying to make a few extra bucks by overcharging you.

Zooming out of your current situation: You are feeling hurt because you have been ripped off, and your wisdom tells you not to react, but how to do that. By taking a bigger picture, stepping back, and thinking about the past and the future you can zoom out. You may see similar things have happened to you in the past and they do not bother you anymore, and the thought that this hurt will also be gone in due course can help.

Taking reality as a dream: looking back at your childhood and early life may seem like a dream, just memories with no real consequences apart from feelings. In the same way, seeing one’s all current dealings as a dream can help us not react emotionally to them, just as the past happenings have become dream-like now.

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