The Joys and Sorrows of Being an Outsider
Overview
Does this feeling of being an outsider applies only to a minority of people who don’t feel connected?
Perhaps I was living on the fringe of the society.
Soon after moving to England, I used to say to people, “it’s so beautiful and peaceful here, life is so smooth, no stress, nobody is putting any pressure on me to do things and I feel free. The majestic quietness of historical buildings, the flora and fauna are so attractive and peaceful.” the locals used to laugh at me and would say with dismissive laughter, “oh Kishore, you don’t know how stressful life can be here.”
Perhaps I was watching things from the outside like a tourist and wasn’t involved in the politics of mainstream life. Those who were inside must be battling with all sorts of issues – their Children’s educational woes, their own health problems, care of their parents’ failing health, conflicts with their neighbors, financial struggles, etc. They felt a lack of freedom on a number of different counts, and life not being fair to them at all.
Perhaps I was living on the fringe of society. On reflection, I have felt that being or choosing to be an outsider is a mixture of blessings and bad luck. The freedom one experiences can be exhilarating, and it can also prove to be the freedom of a falling man.
Does this feeling of being an outsider applies only to a minority of people who don’t feel connected to or feel part of mainstream life, or is it a bit more universal?
I have often asked myself, does this feeling of being an outsider applies only to a minority of people who don’t feel connected to or feel part of mainstream life, or is it a bit more universal? To get an answer, I started observing people more closely, and would also ask people, do you feel settled and homely here? And the answers I got were – I am Asian, Scottish, or Irish, although my father was English, my mother was Welsh, I’m Polish, Eastern European, I am a disabled person people give me strange looks, etc. Apart from the immigrants, a lot of other communities feel that they were outsiders- LGBT+ communities, Travellers, Islamic extremists, autistic, schizophrenic, bipolar disorder, epileptics, learning disability clients, extremely poor, people in prisons, care homes, and other residential institutions, etc. I can go on describing dozens of more categories of people who don’t feel part of mainstream life. If we add up all those percentages – my guess is they will form a majority in our society. This means the majority of our population feels that they are outsiders and in a minority group and disadvantaged.
In modern times, big cities are described as melting pots. It seems that the things inside the melting pot haven’t melted properly. Multiculturalism exists in the minds of people as separate pockets with rigid lines drawn in between. It is easy to live close to each other physically, but more difficult mentally. Perhaps that is the norm rather than an aberration for the majority. The fact that laws of the land, constitutions, ethical codes of conduct, and good practice guidelines have to remind us constantly of inclusiveness, equality, diversity, and non-discrimination means they do not come naturally to us.
Alfred Adler, a psychoanalyst, reminded us that our need to feel superior to others is the most basic of all our needs, deeper than the needs for money, sex, name, fame, power, etc., and all these needs can be subservient to the need to feel superior. Religion comes in handy here, and says to you, “you don’t have a do anything, just believe in something or declare yourself as belonging to a particular religion and you will become superior to others.”
Another dimension to this is that individuals who break away from their ancestral land and their kith and kin, experience a sense of existential angst, of being disconnected, uprooted, not belonging, etc, which makes it difficult for them to find a sense of belonging elsewhere and integrate. It is akin to going on a holiday that gives you a break from your routine, those of us who can switch off can feel a sense of relief from the stresses of everyday life. But some individuals feel lost and start questioning the purpose and meaning of life. Their daily routine, apart from causing stress, was protecting them from this existential angst. Although these feelings of being disconnected and the existential angst are not comforting, they can help us acquire immunity to those existential and other stresses if we are able to work on them successfully.
Another explanation for this segregation can be understood in terms of the English proverb, the Birds of a feather flock together. It doesn’t mean they are racist, it’s just that they feel more comfortable with their own kind and are unconsciously drawn together.
And then there is the received wisdom that you are known in this world by the friends you keep. So be careful who you associate with, as people will perceive you differently and other negativities can rub off on you and pull you down.
At times we see the opposite happening, those of us who feel disconnected, and an outsider will associate, out of our need for socialization, with certain other disadvantaged groups of people. And this sense of being an outsider can also make some of us associate with certain cults, communes, organizations, and religious sects that can be unhelpful to us.
Another example would be a learning disability child will tend to associate with much younger children as that is their comfort zone, a health professional with some communication difficulties will choose to work with dementia clients or learning disability clients who will be less judgmental of them.
Isn’t existential alienation an essential human condition common to us all?
Some spiritual gurus tell us that you can never feel at home and properly connected in this world, this lack of connections is an existential given. You don’t belong here and seeing yourself as a visitor on this planet and your existence on this earth as a transitory phenomenon is not an unhealthy way of looking at things.
The Buddha said, “we must live in this world like a lotus plant, which grows in the muddy waters but is not soiled by the water.”
“Be in this world but not of it, my kingdom is not of this world” said Jesus, and elsewhere the Bible says, “your hands to the ground and heart to heaven,”
A sense of detachment from the material world permeates the whole of Hindu philosophy.
From the above discussion, it seems that having a feeling of detachment from this world, and not being a part of it, is desirable as it helps us in our efforts to achieve freedom from all suffering.
To conclude, being a psychiatrist, I must point out here that there is another kind of alienation which is ontic (clinical) not ontological (existential/inevitable) and it can be worked on with therapy and medication and one needs to be mindful of that before making any final judgments about one’s feelings of being an outsider.
Perhaps I was watching things from the outside like a tourist and wasn’t involved in the politics of mainstream life. Those who were inside must be battling with all sorts of issues – their Children’s educational woes, their own health problems, care of their parents’ failing health, conflicts with their neighbors, financial struggles, etc. They felt a lack of freedom on a number of different counts, and life not being fair to them at all.
Perhaps I was living on the fringe of society. On reflection, I have felt that being or choosing to be an outsider is a mixture of blessings and bad luck. The freedom one experiences can be exhilarating, and it can also prove to be the freedom of a falling man.
Does this feeling of being an outsider applies only to a minority of people who don’t feel connected to or feel part of mainstream life, or is it a bit more universal?
I have often asked myself, does this feeling of being an outsider applies only to a minority of people who don’t feel connected to or feel part of mainstream life, or is it a bit more universal? To get an answer, I started observing people more closely, and would also ask people, do you feel settled and homely here? And the answers I got were – I am Asian, Scottish, or Irish, although my father was English, my mother was Welsh, I’m Polish, Eastern European, I am a disabled person people give me strange looks, etc. Apart from the immigrants, a lot of other communities feel that they were outsiders- LGBT+ communities, Travellers, Islamic extremists, autistic, schizophrenic, bipolar disorder, epileptics, learning disability clients, extremely poor, people in prisons, care homes, and other residential institutions, etc. I can go on describing dozens of more categories of people who don’t feel part of mainstream life. If we add up all those percentages – my guess is they will form a majority in our society. This means the majority of our population feels that they are outsiders and in a minority group and disadvantaged.
In modern times, big cities are described as melting pots. It seems that the things inside the melting pot haven’t melted properly. Multiculturalism exists in the minds of people as separate pockets with rigid lines drawn in between. It is easy to live close to each other physically, but more difficult mentally. Perhaps that is the norm rather than an aberration for the majority. The fact that laws of the land, constitutions, ethical codes of conduct, and good practice guidelines have to remind us constantly of inclusiveness, equality, diversity, and non-discrimination means they do not come naturally to us.
Alfred Adler, a psychoanalyst, reminded us that our need to feel superior to others is the most basic of all our needs, deeper than the needs for money, sex, name, fame, power, etc., and all these needs can be subservient to the need to feel superior. Religion comes in handy here, and says to you, “you don’t have a do anything, just believe in something or declare yourself as belonging to a particular religion and you will become superior to others.”
Another dimension to this is that individuals who break away from their ancestral land and their kith and kin, experience a sense of existential angst, of being disconnected, uprooted, not belonging, etc, which makes it difficult for them to find a sense of belonging elsewhere and integrate. It is akin to going on a holiday that gives you a break from your routine, those of us who can switch off can feel a sense of relief from the stresses of everyday life. But some individuals feel lost and start questioning the purpose and meaning of life. Their daily routine, apart from causing stress, was protecting them from this existential angst. Although these feelings of being disconnected and the existential angst are not comforting, they can help us acquire immunity to those existential and other stresses if we are able to work on them successfully.
Another explanation for this segregation can be understood in terms of the English proverb, the Birds of a feather flock together. It doesn’t mean they are racist, it’s just that they feel more comfortable with their own kind and are unconsciously drawn together.
And then there is the received wisdom that you are known in this world by the friends you keep. So be careful who you associate with, as people will perceive you differently and other negativities can rub off on you and pull you down.
At times we see the opposite happening, those of us who feel disconnected, and an outsider will associate, out of our need for socialization, with certain other disadvantaged groups of people. And this sense of being an outsider can also make some of us associate with certain cults, communes, organizations, and religious sects that can be unhelpful to us.
Another example would be a learning disability child will tend to associate with much younger children as that is their comfort zone, a health professional with some communication difficulties will choose to work with dementia clients or learning disability clients who will be less judgmental of them.
Isn’t existential alienation an essential human condition common to us all?
Some spiritual gurus tell us that you can never feel at home and properly connected in this world, this lack of connections is an existential given. You don’t belong here and seeing yourself as a visitor on this planet and your existence on this earth as a transitory phenomenon is not an unhealthy way of looking at things.
The Buddha said, “we must live in this world like a lotus plant, which grows in the muddy waters but is not soiled by the water.”
“Be in this world but not of it, my kingdom is not of this world” said Jesus, and elsewhere the Bible says, “your hands to the ground and heart to heaven,”
A sense of detachment from the material world permeates the whole of Hindu philosophy.
From the above discussion, it seems that having a feeling of detachment from this world, and not being a part of it, is desirable as it helps us in our efforts to achieve freedom from all suffering.
To conclude, being a psychiatrist, I must point out here that there is another kind of alienation which is ontic (clinical) not ontological (existential/inevitable) and it can be worked on with therapy and medication and one needs to be mindful of that before making any final judgments about one’s feelings of being an outsider.
