Understanding Unhappiness
Overview
Looking at this topic, you must be thinking “I don’t need someone else to tell me what unhappiness is, I know it damn well, and also know what causes it.” But let me tell you the language that we use to convey our negative emotions can be misleading, and it needs to be understood properly.
The language that we use to convey our negative emotions can be misleading, and it needs to be understood properly.
Looking at this topic, you must be thinking “I don’t need someone else to tell me what unhappiness is, I know it damn well, and also know what causes it”. But let me tell you the language that we use to convey our negative emotions can be misleading, and it needs to be understood properly.
The word “unhappiness” should literally mean “not being happy”, it should not mean being sad, anxious, fearful, or dissatisfied. Unfortunately, when we use the word “unhappiness” we mean negative emotions as well, of all kinds, as if there was no middle ground where we are neither happy nor unhappy.
The problem with this conventional way of thinking is that when we are unhappy, we try to seek happiness to undo it, which is the root cause of our inability to deal with the unhappiness.
When we are anxious or depressed seeking happiness by way of watching a good film, listening to music or partying will not undo the emotion, it will only suppress it or shift it to one side. A negative emotion must be dealt with on its own terms, creating a positive experience will not automatically undo the negative emotions, it can only give us the courage to face the negative, but we must have the skills to undo these negative emotions.
“Don’t worry be happy,” sadly we hear this all the time from people, but nobody tells us how not to be unhappy. Our mind tends to naturally drift into negative emotions and memories rather than dwelling on the positive, whereas experiencing positive emotions apparently requires some effort.
How do we explain this; if we have a choice to think what we want to think, why would we want to think of the negative and not the positive?
Being happy or unhappy: do we have a choice?
When it comes to doing something, we can easily make a choice of doing things that make us happy and not doing things that cause negative emotions, but when it comes to thinking it works differently.
Let us examine this.
The mind is programmed in such a way that, it thinks of the negative first before it allows us to experience the positive. Perhaps this is an in-built mechanism that helps us deal with the negative first before letting us feel positive. It is a protective mechanism of the mind, and it protects us from all dangers.
For example, if I can’t find my mobile phone, the first thought may be, has someone stolen it? but then I say to myself, no no, I haven’t met anyone and that’s not correct. The second thought that may come would be, have I left it in my office? but then I say to myself, I made a phone call from my car after I left my office, so it can’t be in the office, finally, I say to myself, have I left it in the bedroom upstairs, and I find it lying there. So, the first two thoughts were not correct, and it was my job to correct them before reaching the correct conclusion.
Another example is if I eat something that tastes funny, the first thought is, has someone mixed something in it? but then I say to myself, I have cooked this meal, no one has come here. The second thought maybe, am I eating stale food? But then I check the labels and reassure myself that nothing was out of date, finally, I ask myself, have I tried a new herb or spice today? And the answer is yes. The mind must rule out all the negative scenarios before it allows us to settle down with positive feelings. People who get stuck with negative thoughts are perhaps not good at canceling the negative thought or are not making any efforts in that direction.
Psychologists tell us that we are programmed to master the unhappiness or disappointment first before we can enjoy the positive.
Psychologists tell us that we are programmed to master the unhappiness or disappointment first before we can enjoy the positive; otherwise, if left to ourselves, these negative experiences will never get worked on, and they will keep blocking our access to the positive ones and to our inner peace.
I recently came across a Facebook post from Dr. Srini Pillay, a Psychiatrist, and Harvard Professor, wherein he gives the example of a child who throws a toy and starts crying when the mother brings the toy back to him, he is happy for a while but soon after he throws it again and starts crying. The explanation given by Dr. Pillay is – perhaps he is trying to master disappointment alongside seeking satisfaction.
It may be that we unconsciously create or seek situations that increase our distress so that we can learn new skills to manage them and become stronger. It is also possible that it works in relationships as well, as at times for no apparent reason one creates a situation wherein one can experience the pain of separation, either by actual separation or imagining it, so the one can deal with one’s relationship insecurities and loneliness alongside enjoying the togetherness.
The laws of the psyche tell us that our negative emotions dissolve not in the positive experiences but only in the neutral/equanimous consciousness that can be harnessed through silence and solitude, and through our non-reacting attitude to things.
The next logical question that comes to mind is how to not-react, and respond appropriately to things, which can be learned through various techniques. I have discussed a number of such techniques elsewhere on this website.
The problem with this conventional way of thinking is that when we are unhappy, we try to seek happiness to undo it, which is the root cause of our inability to deal with the unhappiness.
When we are anxious or depressed seeking happiness by way of watching a good film, listening to music or partying will not undo the emotion, it will only suppress it or shift it to one side. A negative emotion must be dealt with on its own terms, creating a positive experience will not automatically undo the negative emotions, it can only give us the courage to face the negative, but we must have the skills to undo these negative emotions.
“Don’t worry be happy,” sadly we hear this all the time from people, but nobody tells us how not to be unhappy. Our mind tends to naturally drift into negative emotions and memories rather than dwelling on the positive, whereas experiencing positive emotions apparently requires some effort.
How do we explain this; if we have a choice to think what we want to think, why would we want to think of the negative and not the positive?
Being happy or unhappy: do we have a choice?
When it comes to doing something, we can easily make a choice of doing things that make us happy and not doing things that cause negative emotions, but when it comes to thinking it works differently.
Let us examine this.
The mind is programmed in such a way that, it thinks of the negative first before it allows us to experience the positive. Perhaps this is an in-built mechanism that helps us deal with the negative first before letting us feel positive. It is a protective mechanism of the mind, and it protects us from all dangers.
For example, if I can’t find my mobile phone, the first thought may be, has someone stolen it? but then I say to myself, no no, I haven’t met anyone and that’s not correct. The second thought that may come would be, have I left it in my office? but then I say to myself, I made a phone call from my car after I left my office, so it can’t be in the office, finally, I say to myself, have I left it in the bedroom upstairs, and I find it lying there. So, the first two thoughts were not correct, and it was my job to correct them before reaching the correct conclusion.
Another example is if I eat something that tastes funny, the first thought is, has someone mixed something in it? but then I say to myself, I have cooked this meal, no one has come here. The second thought maybe, am I eating stale food? But then I check the labels and reassure myself that nothing was out of date, finally, I ask myself, have I tried a new herb or spice today? And the answer is yes. The mind must rule out all the negative scenarios before it allows us to settle down with positive feelings. People who get stuck with negative thoughts are perhaps not good at canceling the negative thought or are not making any efforts in that direction.
Psychologists tell us that we are programmed to master the unhappiness or disappointment first before we can enjoy the positive.
Psychologists tell us that we are programmed to master the unhappiness or disappointment first before we can enjoy the positive; otherwise, if left to ourselves, these negative experiences will never get worked on, and they will keep blocking our access to the positive ones and to our inner peace.
I recently came across a Facebook post from Dr. Srini Pillay, a Psychiatrist, and Harvard Professor, wherein he gives the example of a child who throws a toy and starts crying when the mother brings the toy back to him, he is happy for a while but soon after he throws it again and starts crying. The explanation given by Dr. Pillay is – perhaps he is trying to master disappointment alongside seeking satisfaction.
It may be that we unconsciously create or seek situations that increase our distress so that we can learn new skills to manage them and become stronger. It is also possible that it works in relationships as well, as at times for no apparent reason one creates a situation wherein one can experience the pain of separation, either by actual separation or imagining it, so the one can deal with one’s relationship insecurities and loneliness alongside enjoying the togetherness.
The laws of the psyche tell us that our negative emotions dissolve not in the positive experiences but only in the neutral/equanimous consciousness that can be harnessed through silence and solitude, and through our non-reacting attitude to things.
The next logical question that comes to mind is how to not-react, and respond appropriately to things, which can be learned through various techniques. I have discussed a number of such techniques elsewhere on this website.
